When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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