he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
