No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
