I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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