Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
