Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
