Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's always time for handjobs
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
