True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
