He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
