walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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