If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
