Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
