Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
