i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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