We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
