I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
