I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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