About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
