ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
