I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
