I'm jealous of your bromance
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
