im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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