There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
