i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
