billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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