What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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