Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm going to jail i love you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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