Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You are a genius and a whore.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
