epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
