Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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