Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
