the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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