please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
