Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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