god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
