Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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