I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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