And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
