why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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