You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
