you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
