if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
