You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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