I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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