I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
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This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize