He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
