the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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