He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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