Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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