Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
