you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
