I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you never un-have a 4some
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
