Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
