Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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