Sponge bath it is.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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