Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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