Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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