I met the friendliest cop last night
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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